I always envisaged that parenting would be tricky but on the whole it would be a doddle. The sleepless nights, the mess, the ongoing demands, the changes your body goes through, the hormones, these things would all pass as fast as they came. That I would love my children unconditionally.
I wasn't wrong in some aspects, but others I was a million miles off. This isn't a call for compliments or the I told you so brigade to get stuck in by the way. It's a Mums right to admit these things, this is my diary and my little mind dump I guess.
I always thought I was going to be the mother who knew her child’s every need and thoughts before they even knew themselves. But I’m not. I find it a guessing game, one I have got better at mind you. They are their own little people who experience things differently to us adults, they have different mind sets and think differently. Who ever says get on to their level is clearly bonkers, I am going no where near the level of a rabid toddler who is on the brink of a breakdown! You just have to test out different tactics and the stupid thing, the results varies by the day! No way will they make it easy for us. Keep us on our toes.
In truth, the real truth, I can often be shouty mum, I am much more impatient than I ever thought I would be, and I am not always in control of my emotions. It is not unheard of for me to have to walk away and just breathe or feel teary after a hard day.
I thought I would want to race back to work and earn my living, I was career driven before children and loved the prospect of climbing the ladder and proving my worth. But I don't want that. I am back at work and I enjoy aspects of it, the adult conversation, something to challenge my mind and give me that mind space away from the challenges of being a parent. Because my god, I also thought that stay at home mums had it easy too, I am far more tired after a day with the children that I am at work! But anyway, yes I am in no way racing into work, more like plodding. I am back but I am there to do my job and that is it. The drive has lessened, and I look forward to getting back home or closing my laptop for the evening.
I didn’t think I would let me children use technology; iPads and watch TV. But I do. Not as much as some but I am also not saying that I don't let that god awful pig babysit for an hour here and there when I need to get stuff done or I just need a little break when the baby goes down for a nap. I also find it works wonders as a wind down tool when the day is almost over but we need the place pacifying until tea is ready, bath is run etc.
But do you know I am the only Mum my babies need. The only Mum I would want them to have. I am not what I imagined but actually I think I am doing alright. We all rock it in our own ways don't we? Even though there are many things I don’t do in the way I thought I would I like to think that my babies know how much I love them, that they can see it when I cuddle them goodnight or rock them when they're unwell during the night. The way they look back at me tells me they do.
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